Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

a letter to me..myself..i

June 15, 2017

stupid! stupid! stupid!

no no no not you, but the situation u find yourself in

sometimes i just want to shake you…shake you so hard but would that

even awaken you?

probably not..not when you are like this.

when u said you wereslipping was that suppose to have been cryptic?

of course you know exactly what that means.

you are and have been slipping..falling..finding yourself in that place with no doors no windows and a repetitive ‘what do i do now’ feeling.

maybe i wasn’t suppose to say slipping.

maybe i should have been more direct..like hey, i need you to help me..talk with me..sit with me..do anything but just dont abandon me right now.

i’ve never asked you for anything.

but i’m asking you now.

you think they were to get all of that out of  i’m slipping ?

yeah of course you would have.

you are me.

others dont get or may not understand when you are crying for help..make it p & s, you know plain and simple.

spell it out because some really dont have a clue.

Help them to help you..if you get what i’m saying…

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no excuses…

June 15, 2017

no, i have none.. i dont even have plausible reasons for disappearing for so long. sometimes I AM..sometimes i just BE…sometimes life gets in the way…sometimes i wish it would.

regardless of all that..im here now. much has happened..but then again not a lot has happened ,depending on the view.

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written by someone else…

May 30, 2017

i havent written in a long while.

i think i would write more if i pretended this blog belonged to someone else..but it doesnt..it belongs to me..the admin..

i need not hide behind a name. i need not be ashamed of what im feeling and/or how i am dealing with it.

i have mdd… major depressive disorder…it’s a part of me but it doesnt define me. so get rid of your preconceived notions of ‘the depressed person’. there is no protoype. as individuals the way our illness effects us is not one and the same. the hows, whats,whens, and wheres..is different with each person.

i will share this persons’ journey. this person being me.

my writing may vary , depending on my mood..like anyone else…but what i will do is try to be consistent…

 

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close your eyes…journey back…

September 10, 2015

do you have a special place or a “time” that when you reflect back it elicits warm feelings and a sense of security..ie you felt really safe? or even an event.. small or big..where you felt really good  …thinking about it makes you smile.

allow yourself to reminisce…journey back..immerse yourself in those thoughts…feel what you felt..be in that moment…those moments..

and know that you can always revisit…until you create new moments…

 

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what i used to think…

May 28, 2015

i remember looking at medical history forms. { i used to be a holistic practioner}

i didnt understand the number of clients who checked the depression box. i wondered how could they be depressed if taking antidepressants.

was it like having high blood pressure but by taking hypertensive meds your blood pressure is controlled but still you are classified as hypertensive ?

i thought … of course the majority of us get depressed at some point or another… how ‘down’ does a person have to feel…and for how long..

fast forward three years…i remember my doctor asking me what i did during the day.{ i had been sick for a while..an autoimmune illness.} i said i like to read..explore the internet etc. he asked did i shower daily.  yes, of course. did i eat regularly…did i make my own meals. yes, why wouldn’t i ? did i spend a considerate amount of time in bed during the day. no, not at all.

i tried to create a routine…to keep ‘busy’.

im not sure when or how it crept in..but it..depression.. consumed me.

reading & exploring the net? if i can focus long enough. daily showers, cooking, eating..it no longer seemed to matter. i just did not seem to care about a whole lot…

im not lonely yet i never felt so alone in my life.

 

 

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